I find myself on a peculiar journey these days. Uncharted waters. Wandering aimlessly through the series of hours that pass between waking and sleep, unable to engage my brain in much more than mindless drifting from idea to idea.
I need something more concrete in my days. Stability. Something.
Some days I catch a faint breeze of inspiration and sit and try to create for a few hours, but those days are few and far between.
Rainy days were often my wheelhouse when I had work to do. I could fade out everything beyond the windows, slip on some jazz and let the mellow sounds of Coltrane or Parker take me away. I haven’t taken the time to let jazz guide me lately and today seemed like as good a day as any. Dreary, grey, wet…nothing much going on.
The first notes of Blue Train come at you like, well, a train. Not the most original of analogies, but pretty darn accurate. It tends to transport me to that scene in Singles where Campbell Scott is laying in the middle of his living room, surrounded by pizza boxes and old mail, lamenting the failures of his career. Not that I hadn’t heard Blue Train prior to seeing that movie, just something about that particular scene stuck with me. It’s not too far from how I’m feeling right now. Caught in this crossroads between what I have done and what I’m going to do next. On this perpetual precipice…just waiting to step off but constantly tweaking my approach before doing so. I’m too timid for my own good in this situation. Full of ideas but lacking the gumption to just throw myself into developing any of these ideas or put myself on the market for employment by submitting an application/resume/portfolio to some of these jobs that intrigue me.
What am I actually afraid of?
Something’s gotta give here though. I can’t keep spinning my wheels like this. Time to just stare it all in the face and see what happens when I try instead of timidly waiting to be asked to do something.