my missing piece

mom on the town, originally uploaded by dharmabumx.

So here I am at the tail end of my second week back to work and as much as I’m enjoying my 9-5 free time, I feel like I’m missing out on so much that’s happening in Alva’s life. He has adapted to daycare with flying colors, smiling and flirting with the ladies that I drop him off with in the morning, letting me know that “it’s ok, Mom. I’ll see you later…”
I trek the 25 miles to my office, put in my time, trek the 25 miles back. By the time I get home I have about 3 hours until I go to bed and get up and do it all over again. I fill those 3 hours with cooking dinner and prepping my stuff for the next morning, oh, and a little quality time with Alva. This week, however, that time just doesn’t fulfill me the way I want it to. I feel like all I’m doing is feeding him. My husband is holding him the rest of the time and interacting with him. I don’t want to deny Chris time with his son. That’s not the case at all. He is amazing with him and watching the two of them together is one of my favorite things to do. However, I feel like I’m missing that time with my son to bond with him when he’s awake. When I’m up with him in the middle of the night, he’s not quite alert enough to register that I’m more than a boob to feed off of. It’s hard, this balancing act I’m performing. I don’t think I realized how hard this aspect of motherhood would be, this learning how to properly divide my time and my attention between all of the aspects of my life. Existing as a working and productive member of society without sacrificing my identity as a mother and nurturer. I’m sure I’ll figure this out eventually. Right now, however, I feel like a piece of me is missing during the day and I’m not quite getting that piece back at night.

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