23 weeks in and it still doesn’t seem real…

I have to admit, I feel like I should be writing a lot more about this whole pregnancy experience. I do have a lot of thoughts about it, often…I’m just not finding/making the time to record any of it, and I know I’ll regret that on down the road. But life’s too short for serious regrets and is better off lived daily and in the moment, which is more or less what I’ve been doing since I last blogged 7 weeks ago.

As of today, I’m 23 weeks pregnant. 23 weeks into a roughly 40 week adventure. I think most days I definitely look pregnant…although a lot of that has to do with what I’m wearing, what I’ve eaten, and what time of day it is. The biggest, strangest part of all of this is that I don’t feel pregnant most days. I suppose a lot of that could have to do with the fact that I’ve never done this before, that in spite of the movement in my belly, this whole thing is still a very abstract concept that has yet to sink in fully…and I’m trying to figure out when it will sink in, feel real, click…I’ve yet to have that moment where I feel some sort of connection to what’s happening inside of me.

Often times I wonder if there’s something wrong with the fact that I haven’t been that overly emotional or squishy-squealy about having a baby. Does that make me strange, this sense of detachment I have from it all? People ask me if I’m excited yet…and I tell them, honestly, no…I’m not excited or filled with the anticipation of what comes next. My husband is more into it all than I am, and he doesn’t have a constant kicking reminder in his belly…I have no feelings about all of this. Maybe it’s that I’ve been so busy with work and life and everything leading up to this moment that I haven’t had the chance to stop and reflect on what it all means…or maybe it’s just that it doesn’t all mean as much to me as society says it should. I have this sense of calm about life right now that I’m sure is going to get turned upside down once this child arrives…but then again, maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll just take all of this in stride much like I’ve taken all of what’s happened in the past 6 years of my life…roll with the punches, let things just kind of happen.

I more or less had the same mentality about my wedding…maybe this is just the way I am and this is what’s normal for me. I want to make sure it’s clear that I’m quite happy to be pregnant and that I look forward to this child’s arrival into the world in a few months…I do hope that I form some sort of connection with this time in my life…a chance to reflect on what it all means…but I don’t see the need to really dwell on it. Life happens. The best we can do is to be prepared for what may come but still savor the moments that pass each day.

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2 thoughts on “23 weeks in and it still doesn’t seem real…

  1. I am not sure it is a detachment, because what I glean from your (albeit limited) commentary is a sense calmness and serenity. I have had friends go through something similar during their pregnancies, and I’ve seen them go on to be the happiest of others, as opposed to those who squeal about their pregnancies.

    I also know what you mean about the wedding thing. Sometimes I worry what it says about me. I found my dress this past weekend, and while I did feel beautiful and happy, it was definitely a “something off my list” mentality. No tears, etc. It still doesn’t feel real. Or when it does feel really, I smile about it, but I don’t have a freak out. The only thing that makes me sad is how many family members will be in attendance, which precludes us from having a smaller affair.

    I digress.

    I am so happy for you and your budding family. Thank you for sharing this journey. Also, I’ve missed your posts, for sure.

    • I think sometimes we’re so preoccupied with what we think we should be feeling that we forget to pay homage to what we are feeling…thanks for reminding me of that:).

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